Monday, November 7, 2011

How I Lost My Patience

That was it. I had now lost my patience.

Years and years I was always been patient. I tried to be angry, but my parents always tell me not to. He was of little age at that time. Our gap of 8 years made it harder for me to adjust. So the situation here, the native needs to adjust to what’s foreign. But still I did. I don’t want to fight. It was useless.

Little by little he knows where to get me. Every time he gets me annoyed. I fight back but it’s the guilt that always backs me down. He was my little bro after all. He was just not calm like me, but he is my little bro and he will be.

I tried to set an example to him, to be calm before the storm, and even during it. I tried to show not to talk things with mocking. But in the end it’s what I always receive. MOCKING ME WAS THE WORST THING I DON’T WANT TO HEAR.

12 years passed, and still I was holding out that anger deep inside. Okay, maybe a little bit of that anger may have sparked somehow, but I kept it as far as I could. But when I am trying to do something meaningful and I hear some stupid comment about what I did, I would not know what to feel.

I tried to be as absorbent as I can. For who I am outside, that’s how a silent worker I am when I am in the house. All of their requests, I do without any qualms. For all this time I tried to be the KUYA they wanted to have, but turns out I was not enough.

I just wish somehow they will treat me better, not like everything was my fault. And these tears that fell were not situational. These were for 12 years of confusion, patience, adjustment, taking pains, backed-down anger, lowered pride, and lowered self-value. 12 years that I lost. 12 years of living in a lie, where I was who they wanted to be.

And that kids, was how I lost my patience. With just one wrong thing in what you were doing then you are mocked, I don’t know how you would react.


1 comment:

  1. Sigh! I hope after writing this outburst you felt better. Just continue to be a good brother and they will cherish that. They maybe are not vocal with it but they truly appreciate your moves. Keep winning!:)