This Sucks

When you are really trying to be an open book. It sucks. It sucks even more when she won't tell me what's wrong with me. It's been 8 months and we would be on this same problem again. I don't really care if it's a small problem or a big one. What I really care is that it's a problem. How could we even solve bigger problems when she can't even share the smallest of them? She call for her friends for the smallest problems, so most probably she'd call them also for the bigger ones. I don't know, it just hurts when we can talk about it but she opts to talk to anyone other than me.

I hate this feeling. God knows I hate this feeling. Is it trust issues? Is it just me being insensitive to what she might feel? Am I too much of an open book that I am predictable? Or do I need to open more pages of me?

I can't read her sometimes. She doesn't want me to. If ever there was a problem, she opens the other page, the "I'M OKAY" page. How would I know what's the problem? Does she know that it hurts me more when she ask others about what to do with our problems? Seriously they do not know about us. I know there was but I need to know what. I'm not a psychic for me to know what she feels or what triggers that feeling. :'(

CONFUSIONS CLOUD MY MIND. This sucks the most but yes. EMOTE MODE.

POEM #8

So let me tell you about a love so innate
About a girl with whom I have same traits
About a love that I can't hate
For sweet months that went eight

For all the girls that I have met
She's the one I could never ever forget
My life so dull she had ornate
The reason that we reached eighth

My heart still goes on a faster rate
Whenever I see her before our dates
I still can't forget the talks when we stay up late
Even though we already reached eighth

She for me is the perfect mate
Even though my eyes at times they dilate
On thinking of how much rice she ate
Still laugh at it on our month number eight

Maybe when we have a situation we hate
Or even when we have a special date
I greet her with flowers and chocolates
And I would do so, even in this eighth

Darling, you are definitely worth the wait
How about my family name on your nameplate?
Yes, soon enough because years will wait
But for now we will enjoy our eighth

My love, we've come by this state
Because you and I have a love this great
And you have loved me through my overreacting traits
Sure enough, we would cherish more eights

PS. This is for the smiles and love you gave to me. Because of this, we reached our happy 8th... I LOVE YOU KRISMARIE DIANNE CEZAR!!! :*

Why Bro, Why?

I can't do my thesis well at this time. Oh my dear thesis adviser, please let me get through this. Just one blog, just this once.

Would it be so hard for you to know that your brother was already a drinker? At a ripe age of 13, I was getting only puppy love and all those cheesy stuffs right there. And academics. And love. And basketball. And table tennis.

Okay, I admit. I am a drinker. I got drunk so many times, and my favorite hard beverage is beer. San Mig Light to put it into name. But would it be enough for my brother to stop drinking? Having seen me and my dad drunk, didn't it gave him the mentality that being drunk is bad?

I have been trying to avoid alcohol as much as possible even if my body still longs for it sometimes, until now. It gave me nothing. No! It gave me some things! Headache, bowel disorder, puking nights, hangovers. But yes, I still drink, because there are times when I think I needed to.

This day, my girlfriend and I made a pact. We would never ever drink again. Healthy lifestyle is the main point. But this day also, I knew that my brother already have had drinking sessions with his Boy Scout friends. Worse, it's at the school. Worst, he's still 13 and I am college when I was drinking at a hyper rate.

I am a bad brother. I showed him that drinking is just fine, as long as you don't get drunk. Or being drunk is just fine, just don't get caught to nanay and tatay.

Well, karma, you caught me again. When I was just trying to stop drinking hard liquors, my brother was dying to have some. I could be accused of promoting beer in our house and now my brother drinks it. I am guilty.