The Curse of 11/11/11

Have I told you to be careful what you wish for the last time I posted a blog? Last time I checked, yes I did. Just making sure you did not wish for something stupid. Because 11/11/11 is taking its toll on me.

I wished to see her and have a conversation with her. The whole week I wished for such stupid time. And who knows? I saw her on the mall today. Or so I thought. But I swear to God it was her that I saw. But I'm hesitant to talk. It was in the grocers, and I may not take how my brother might "bug" me and my blushing face. I was just happy I saw her, but I was saddened by the fact that I did not have the chance to hear her voice.

I took it as it was, that it was not yet my time, then my second cousin's cousin (yep, that explains how far cousins we were) started to hit the same girl. I should have told you, he's also a groomsman in the wedding, And also in the game of the improvised Trip to Jerusalem. I did not know he almost had an affair once with her.  Now we move on to the story, leading us to Facebook. And guess who's using the Ad Hominem Fallacy against me to have more points on her? Wow, I could not believe he said that to her publicly. I mean, that's kind of rude for someone to poison the well just to have the girl.

He was just lucky that we went to the church right away after we went to the mall. Because at that time, she was online. Grabe, I did not have a minute for a conversation with her. I only asked for even just a Facebook chat with her. I could have protected her from such douchebag-ness of that cousin. >:|

Everything was just a trial. I must know how to care for her. Maybe one day, she could MIGHT be the one for me. I could not wait for that day to come! I believe she don't deserve those douchebags, she deserves a knight-in-a-shining-armor-to-be. OOOOPS. I'm overstating a fact, therefore it was a fallacy I said. Dayumn. But on the first place, I will not do such to a lady like her, that's what I could assure her if she only knew. Haaaaay....

Car Fantasies

Since I am turning 21 and my father has loaned another car, it occurred to me that I now want to drive a car. Or in the family's case, I want to own a car. Be it that 2-year-old-but-good-as-new DMax or a new automatic-transmission low ride sedan.

If ever I will inherit the DMax, then fine. But I'd like the interior to have some touch of forest green or onyx black, partnered with a sporty musky frangrance. Then Taz Accessories to wrap it all up. And most especially, no more boring classical and make-you-infertile music, just pure adrenaline-pumping punk and emo-core music (and the latest hits to add). The grayish color of that car is fine, I like it anyways.

But in case they want to sell the poor car which has always been a good companion in our family outings and buy or loan me another, I'd prefer the race car type (e.g. Mitsubishi Lancer EX, Toyota Vios, Honda Civic, Honda City) or the cutie mini car type (e.g. Ford Fiesta, Chery QQ, Honda Jazz, Suzuki Alto). I know this was kind of selfish, but I want to have my own ride, with no one dictating what music I intend to play. I'd like the color green or greenish or black or some color that distinguishes it from other cars ('cause white, black, red and blue are too mainstream LOL). And yeah, they'll have the same accesories and what-have-you's inside.

But if possible, I want the cruise control technology that my father's new car has. And player control in the steering wheel. And the touch-screen display. And back-light color of the buttons would be color green, please. Chrome plating is very necessary. And if there are free vinyls, why not?

And kids, that's how I fantasize about this whole car thingy that's going on inside my head. XD

Be Careful What You Wish For

I am not against God's will for my life, I actually wanted him to take the wheel and let whatever might happen happen to me. But yeah, I believe also in luck, I mean, what have I got to lose from wishing on a 11/11/11, on the exact time of 11:11:11 am? Even without the date, I always try to catch that time (sometimes it's the pm version of the time I catch) and wish because I want to believe that God, or fate it is for those who don't believe in Him, is actually working out for my wish.

Then came this day, November 12, 2011. At the wedding I attended where I was a groomsman, there goes that "little game" instead of tossing the bouquet and the garter. To make the long story short, I got the bad chance of having the garter. Great, must be the chair. And there goes my partner. I describe her as stunning. With her makeup and all sh!t girls do to their faces (I'm not anti-makeups, just want to judge if the girl is naturally pretty enough). And the ritual happened (oh c'mon, I know y'all know what that is for the bouquet/garter toss, right?).

But you must know that before this game, I was really eyeing on her at the church, and I was like, man, can we be partners please? But then, I let my fate decide whoever of those girls I get to escort, that's why I did not have the chance at first. Until that thing happened.

I was so overwhelmed or just ashamed with my relatives and especially my cousins teasing me. I don't know, IT WAS JUST AWKWARD. Or maybe I was just TORPE SHY TYPE. OKAY! I did not get her number, alright? Now stop teasing.

I tried to think of it as we went home, and I realized I can't get her out of my head since. A feeling I should not feel. Then I remember that wish from yesterday. And I was like, damn, this can of beer might not be enough and I need to have another! And then, I thought of it and I said, yeah screw it, not my day. I tried to see my solo picture while I'm in the ramp. In that picture was a clear capture of her in my back and I thought, meh, coincidence. Until I saw a notification in my Facebook friend request tab. It was her! Damn.

But my brother has got a point. She's just, what? Third Year High School? Or Fourth Year at that? And I was like twenty turning twenty-one. TOO OLD FOR HER. Oh great, now I'm ALL FVCKED UP AGAIN. It was a clear MINDFVCK for me. If really she was the one I wished for, I don't know how we could communicate if I try things out with her. I mean, we are living in, literally speaking, different worlds.

I just got to see her one more time. Not that I abhor love at first sight like I did, but I just want to make sure it was right for us to meet. AND, there goes 11:11 pm. I missed it. (facepalm)

How I Lost My Patience

That was it. I had now lost my patience.

Years and years I was always been patient. I tried to be angry, but my parents always tell me not to. He was of little age at that time. Our gap of 8 years made it harder for me to adjust. So the situation here, the native needs to adjust to what’s foreign. But still I did. I don’t want to fight. It was useless.

Little by little he knows where to get me. Every time he gets me annoyed. I fight back but it’s the guilt that always backs me down. He was my little bro after all. He was just not calm like me, but he is my little bro and he will be.

I tried to set an example to him, to be calm before the storm, and even during it. I tried to show not to talk things with mocking. But in the end it’s what I always receive. MOCKING ME WAS THE WORST THING I DON’T WANT TO HEAR.

12 years passed, and still I was holding out that anger deep inside. Okay, maybe a little bit of that anger may have sparked somehow, but I kept it as far as I could. But when I am trying to do something meaningful and I hear some stupid comment about what I did, I would not know what to feel.

I tried to be as absorbent as I can. For who I am outside, that’s how a silent worker I am when I am in the house. All of their requests, I do without any qualms. For all this time I tried to be the KUYA they wanted to have, but turns out I was not enough.

I just wish somehow they will treat me better, not like everything was my fault. And these tears that fell were not situational. These were for 12 years of confusion, patience, adjustment, taking pains, backed-down anger, lowered pride, and lowered self-value. 12 years that I lost. 12 years of living in a lie, where I was who they wanted to be.

And that kids, was how I lost my patience. With just one wrong thing in what you were doing then you are mocked, I don’t know how you would react.

-11gulotoni24

Boy from the Naive Orleans

Before the month ends and the semester starts, here goes a blog. It has really been a long while since I was frequently blogging because I was busy. Yep, lame but true excuse.

The past semester has really been hard for me, like all hell broke loose just for me. I have myself exhausted at the first month of the semester. Then in the Midterms week, I got sick. Not to mention I have to transfer from a good house with my Brods then to a "deserted" Boarding House. Great, isn't it?

But the second greatest struggle (first of which is academics which I overcame before the next semester began) was in the groups I was affiliated to. It seemed that I was having a hard time to balance myself this time. I mean, those past semesters of being lax now takes its toll and this time I need to focus now on what matters most.

For many reasons I kept too far for them to survive, I may have to decide whether or not to leave a group.

I was there when the group was a shining star. I was there when all of the sudden that star was forced to collide with others and almost lost its light. I was there when the group tried to regain their composure. I was the first leader for the rebirth of the group. And when it finally risen again, I was there. But not for long. I have to keep myself away, not because I don't like the group, but I don't see myself growing with the group.

True enough, I could be called a pillar of the group. But as the group tried to reach another notch, I was left on the first level, and I could not commit that much to practice, because at the first place it's the academics I have to prioritize. And now that I have to try not extend my stay in the university for another year, I have MUST do what is best for me.

I have no problem with the people in the group. In fact I love them. They were there tirelessly for the group. We shared some hopes and dreams (and some shots) together. I mean, staying with 8 passionate guys for that sake was a huge sacrifice for me. And then, they grew as expected of us as a group, but I never did, no matter how hard I tried. I know this thinking is ridiculous, but they can do much better with or without me.

So why did I stay for another year? I cannot leave the group, because they are in need of people. I could have left like my batchmates did. But I so love music that I want to keep it in the University. The music cannot and must not die. I decided to take a pause, away from them, because my academic life was calling me.

After I lay low for a while, I've seen them myself when they presented in a program and I was just amazed. I figured my problem myself: I was never fit for a performance like they did. I mean, I have the talent but I did not have the guts for that kind of presentation. I have the passion for music but it's rock genre that I prefer. I was never oriented to betray the group's style and it never was my intention, but I did. I do not see myself in the next few years singing choir songs.

I just hope one day, when I leave, I can do it with no hurt feelings, and I just hope the group might reach its goals and visions. I can't believe I joined such a group, met such people and went through UPMin life for four years now. That was the best experience for me. But when I have to go, I pray for the success of the group, that they may stand strong, for I know I might be just a burden or even insignificant to the growth of the team.

11gulotoni24

For The New Blogger Interface and My Rant

So this is the new interface of Blogger... hmmmm. noice!

I'm sorry but this post will not be an appreciation of Blogger. It's about a rant.

Do you know the feeling when you have your mind set that everything will be OK, then all of the sudden all of the things just fall out? I would clearly not mind if I work things out myself, like assign me that one as a compensation on the time you felt I was not part of the group. I will take all tolls. But tonight, somebody just pissed my night off. *INH* (pardon, but I will tag her as *INH*, short for *Insert Name Here*) just changed the topic for our final paper. Great. Last minute changes. OOOH, I SO LOVE THAT. I love it when I was already grinning because I almost finished that damn part she told me to do, then she changed everything. I love it when the paper only needs revisions, then she tells me to make a new paper. OH I DO LOVE THAT. EVERYBODY DOES. SARCASTICALLY.

 And here's another problem. *INH* has yet to send me the parameters. And I'm tired of waiting for the updates. Great, because she always bugs someone to do this and that, but now I can't even seem to find her part. Plus, she expects me to do 5 parts of the paper that's worth 20 pages at my estimate. Hey I am trying everything, just don't make me like a machine. Who am I, Google? For her to expect that much of pages in just one sitting?

And there goes my rant. And I'm still waiting for that update. fssssssssssssh....

An Epic Note

Dear (insert her name here),

I know I'm too weak to show it. But in case you haven't noticed, I have been inlove with you since.

Yes, I have been. I remember when I see you, I have to look away because I'm afraid that I might not be the right guy. I'm busy, and you are busier. I'm afraid I just might be a bug in your schedule. For the record, this is the first time that I have hesitated at taking risks just to have even a dot there in your planner. I am... clearly intimidated by your aura. How I wish I was drunk enough to knock in your room or call out your name to tell you about this, uhhhhm, whatever this feeling is. But I can't even look at you, afraid that I would be staring at you and more afraid that you would notice.

This time, no more lying, no more about this pretense. No more Facebook likes to hide that it's you I like. Not even a status to show them who's on my mind. No tweets to say what's happening because in the end it's always me thinking of you.

I wanna be that guy you ever wished for. I wanna sing you a song while you were dancing in the rain. I wanna be one of the reasons for that gorgeous smile of yours. I wanna put the colors in your world. I wanna make you swear that there's someone willing to win your heart and would never ever try to break it. I want you to know that I exist. That I was real. That WE could happen, if you let me in. Sadly, this story happens in a fairytale only. You're my dream that won't come true.

But having said that, I would gladly grab this chance to say how I feel. What do I have to risk? You. I would risk the chance of telling you all of these before I go crazy and even before you'll notice. Well, I guess you have noticed it a long time. Five months of being so head-over-heels, it's too long. And tonight I broke my silence.

When I met you, life became happy. (A little riddle 'bout her perhaps? XD)

11gulotoni24